The motorised Sofa

The reason why the electronic firefly was not updated lately lies in the fact that son No. 2 got married up in the north of England and we combined this with a visit to Scotland.
Since my wife, my daughter No. 2, my dog and I were due to be joined by my brother-in-law, my sister-in-law, their son No. 2 and their dog, I decided to book a people carrier for the duration.

The online order form was easy enough, asking me the usual questions such as:

‘Do you have points on your licence or any other serious illnesses?’
‘Are you between 80 and clinically dead (or is anyone in your party wanting to drive this vehicle being between 80 and clinically dead?)’
‘Are you wanting to take this vehicle out of the country and if so, are you likely to go the Lebanon or any other war-torn country?’

One of the more important questions was the to determine the choice of your vehicle.
Would I like a car the size of a kidney bean, a tent, an aircraft hanger or a medium sized country?!?

The Vauxhall Zafira was too small – classed as a Mini MPV so I opted for the Toyota Previa, being (as I know from my brother in Germany who actually has one) a large, fully fletched 7 seater with luggage room.

The day of our departure finally arrived and I turned up at the rental company at 10 a.m. as promised to receive my vehicle.

‘Hello, E.S.U. is the name! I am here to pick up the Previa!’
‘Hello! Come with me!’ the assistant said, waving his arms in a “c’mon I ain’t got not much time” sort of way.
‘Here you are!’
‘This is a Vauxhall Zafira!’ I pointed out.
‘Yeah, great car! Air-con, fully loaded and automatic!’
‘Apart from being too small! I ordered a Previa!’
‘Yes, but it does state that it might be a similar vehicle!’
‘Is a horse similar to an elephant???? Well . . . . is it????’
‘Guess not! But the fact still remains tha . . .’
‘. . . But the fact still remains that I don’t give a rat’s arse about your facts! Where the ferkin’ smeg is my Previa??’
‘You ordered a people carrier and this one is one!!’
‘Nope!! I ordered a LARGE people carrier as in your LARGE PEOPLE CARRIER group!!!’
‘No need to shout!’
‘W H A T ? ? ? ? ‘ (now breathing hard like a bull)

(Enter his manager)

‘What seems to be the problem??’
‘I ordered a LARGE people carrier and this Bozo is trying to fob me off with a Zafira!’
‘I am very sorry!’
(Stunned silence! Did he just apologise?)
‘We made a mistake!’
(Even more stunned silence!! Did he just admit to making a mistake??)
‘We do have a similar sized vehicle coming in and it will be here in 30 minutes if you can wait?!?’
‘What is it?’
‘A Kia Sedona!’
‘Sedona?? Sounds like a Sofa!’

I agreed to wait and every 10 minutes over the promised arrival time of half an hour I got more concessions out of them. Extra petrol, extra insurance for another driver, etc.
By the time the car arrived they were more than happy to see the back of me.

Once home I started to pack the Kia with the entire content of our house (or so it seemed) and we went on our way.

As it was hot, the air con was going but there was something wrong.
If I directed the air con to the top, the bottom would blow out hot air and visa versa.
My daughter in the back informed me that all the vents at the back were blowing out hot air and that the dog was melting!

Having tried everything I finally saw in the middle of a thousand buttons on the dashboard a button with the markings “HT RR” on it.
I had given it no thought earlier but when I pressed it, the Kia turned from a sauna into a fridge!
After another 10 miles even the dog stopped panting and zipped up his fur.
The seats were like sofa seats – complete with arm-rests and the gear change was like that known to my granddad when driving a 5 ton army truck. I never missed so many gears in my entire life and even my wife wondered if I had finally lost it!!
The car had only 3900 miles on the clock but had the look and feel of a 10 year old veteran.

It did however do the job and was very economic on the old Diesel fuel.
When I returned it 10 days later and 2000 miles older, unwashed, unhoovered and without much fuel left in the tank my wife thought I would not get my deposit back (£150) but she was wrong! Guess what! The guy still remembered me and could not have been more eager to pay me the dosh!

Nice people!